I’m pretty quiet when it comes to a guy asking me to go out but it’s not just us two. If he asks other people to come along, I would barely speak during the “date” because if you’re trying to ask me out and get to know me better, why would you drag along more people? Every first date that I went on, I’m extremely quiet and awkward and unless it’s just you and me, I would talk a lot and open up for you to see who I really am. I don’t want to open up when other people are around. They don’t need to know about me that much. 

I haven’t spoken to you for quite a while and that’s because I was so pissed off at you. The fact that you used me and took me for granted made me feel like some idiot that just came into your life. I remember the last time that I saw you, I acted like a total bitch in front of your friends. I was just so angry at how much you hurt me. Then when I found out that you liked me the same way that I liked you, it still wasn’t enough to cover the fact that you didn’t show it. Maybe it’s just your way of showing that you like somebody. The other day, I just felt so guilty of being that bitch that I was. Maybe it was because I was on the edge of my life and I wanted everybody to know how important they are to me. I told you that I was sorry but you never replied till 11 hours later. During that 11 hours, I was losing hope. You told me that you weren’t mad at me. You never was. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve any of the kindness. 

I don’t accept your forgiveness because I feel like you should know everything on my side of the story before you forgive me. You only forgave me because I felt guilty but you never knew about the anger and the pain that you gave me. I miss you, but I really don’t want to go through everything again. I need you to know my side of the story because I just can’t hold it in anymore. I want you to sit there in front of me and watch my emotions. From happy to the sadness and anger. I want you to know that what you did to me wasn’t right. And if you did it to other girls, you should stop because it really hurts. I really want to talk to you because if it’s the last time I’ll ever see you, I want you to know everything. No secrets. No nothing.

Friends are greater than family… to me. One statement that people argue with me is, “well your family was there before your friends.” Yes that is true but like colleges, it doesn’t matter where you start, it’s where you end that matters the most. Sure my parents was with me in the start but at the end, it’s the friends that stay. Not my parents or any family members. My friends. I treat my friends better than than anybody else in the world. They mean everything to me and if they were in any trouble, I would protect them. I know that I should cliche but that’s how I feel about my friends. 

I’m not saying that I have like no feelings for family. Nah that’s not true. I have some but barely. It’s slowly going away because of the way that they treat me. You know before, I was lost about myself. Who I am… so my mom made me go to church. Honestly, I hated it in the beginning and when I made friends, I started liking it more. The teachers there were nice until I started treating them like family and that’s when things started falling apart. Backstabbers. That’s what they are. During the time that I was at church, I learned a lot about God but at the end, I was played by. Manipulated by a religion that claimed to be the best. That’s so not humble. I refuse to go to church anymore now because of everything that happened. All that matters to me right now is being with my friends :)

Growing up, I’ve always been in trouble. Whether it was small things like eating junk food before dinner or taking something without permission, I’ve always found my way into trouble. Because of that, my relationship with my family got a lot worse and it happens so frequently that it’s became a part of my daily life. It was the same cycle over and over again. I would get in trouble and then my parents, mostly my mom, would ignore me until she forgave me and then we’ll be, somehow, a happy family and then it would start from the beginning again. I know, it’s stupid right? You must think, dang why you just stop getting yourself in trouble. You see, that’s a really good question and it’s far much more complicated than that. I don’t have much freedom as a child so in order for me to get the freedom and what I want, I would just break the rules. It seems to be simple but most don’t understand. No, most kids my age that has a lot of freedom or really close relationship with their parents won’t understand or refuse to. 

Since this happens so often and it’s part of me now, I really learn to accept my consequences. I mean c’mon, I had my fun but now it’s time to get in trouble but to me, facing consequences doesn’t mean I’m going to stop what I do. What parents think is that “Oh we forgive you but you have to learn your lesson.” Yeah I don’t learn lessons, I just go with what I think is right but I wouldn’t go to the level of getting arrested. I’m not that stupid. I don’t mind facing my consequences at all because to me, it’s a break from all my troubles. I face it with my head up high because if I’m that daring to do something wrong, then I should be daring to face my consequences. Does that even make sense? 

So recently I bought a iPhone without telling my parents and when they found out that I got a new phone, my mom got so mad that she canceled my phone line. Now I could whine about not having a phone and stupid things like that but honestly, I don’t really mind not having a phone. Sure it’s going to be hard to communicate with people but it’s kind of oh wells right now. I’ll probably pick up a pay phone sim card later on but for now, I’m happy without a phone.

I don’t think people take me seriously when I tell them that I’m suicidal. Yes, I seem to be happy but there are times in my life where I just can’t handle the stress anymore.

I remember one time when I was arguing with my mom, it got to the point that I was so mad that I told her I wanted to commit suicide. I have thought about committing it for a while already. I don’t cut myself because I don’t want the pain and the blood. To me, that’s really not my type of thing. Instead, I dig my nails into my arms. Those leave a scar but they fade after a few months. I would scratch my arms till its all red and blotchy and some parts of my arm’s skin is ripped from the nails. I would do that to myself because I could do it anywhere and anytime. For cutting myself, I would need to have a knife with me all the time and yeah, I’m not going to be going around carrying a knife. Well anyways, when I told my mom that I wanted to commit suicide, she told me to go right ahead. Maybe you should read that again to ingest in that statement. My own mom told me to kill myself. Now I’m not a mother or anything but I would never in a million years tell my own kids to commit suicide. That is just stupid. 

There has been times where I picked up a bottle of pills and took it out of the bottle. I wanted to just take my life right then and there. But I ended up putting the bottle back. I don’t remember why but I just did. Something was holding me back and I’m not sure what it was. Tonight, I was so down because of the argument that I had with my parents. After my shower, I just stood there and broke down and cried because I just couldn’t handle the things in my life. I thought about writing letters to people that mean a lot to me and just killing myself already. I’m really unhappy and confused on what to do about myself.

“I want you to read this story I read from the Chinese newspaper,” she digs through the pile of endless papers spread out on the counter top, “Ah here it is.” 
I take the paper from her hand and stares at the traditional Chinese characters. “Okay. 我最想感恩的人? (The person I want to give the most thanks to?)” I looked up at her and turned my attention back to the paper. Reading the words out loud, I started to reflect on myself. I’m not thankful enough for my mom. I take her for granted all the time and it’s horrible. I hide so much truths from her to not to keep her safe but to keep me out of trouble. 
“Do you understand what the passage is saying?” Her voice is so understanding. So calm as if I was hiding nothing from her. 
“Yeah. Wow, I learned so much Chinese from all these years.”
“When you were younger, you were so precious to me. You were everything. My world.”
Stabs of guilt. “I still am.”
She doesn’t reply to that. Maybe I lost that position already. I didn’t even deserve it in the first place. “Here read another one. 一件特别的礼物. (One special present) A 13 year old girl wrote that. So young but such an amazing story.”
I look over the amount of words and start to read. One line stood out to me in the story. 我当时没有走进爸爸妈妈的房间对他们说，[谢谢！] 因为我知道，他想要的不是这句 [谢谢]， 而是我优异的成绩。(I never went into my parent’s room to say thank you because I know that they don’t want to here the words thank you, they want to see the improvement in my studies.) More stabs of guilt. 
As I finished the passage, she asks again, “Do you understand the story?”
I understood not only the story but what a horrible daughter I am. 

“You haven’t swam for such a long time,” My mom’s voice interrupts my thoughts about the online game I was focused on, “you used to like doing it.”
“Eh, I don’t like it anymore,” I turned to look at her while she skims the Chinese newspaper.
“Well what do you like?” She looks up at me, puzzled.
The first things that went through my mind was sleep. And sadly, that was the only thing I could think of. I leaned back on my chair and thought hard. What do I like? It was an easy question for some but for me, it’s a life question. Colleges always want to know what your hobbies are, your lifestyle and many more. Not many things excite me. Nothing appeases to me. Sure, I like shopping but it’s not a true love. I would go and get something and as time passes by, I have to go back and get another thing because the one before doesn’t satisfy me anymore. “I don’t know. Sleep?” I even questioned the only answer that I had. 
She stares at me and sighs. “You do realize that it’s not normal right? You should like more things rather than sit in front of the computer all day.”
That’s the problem with our society. My generation. All we do is sit in front of the computer and act like the internet is a fun place to be all the time. Truth is, the internet sucks. It’s boring but yet we’re on it for such a long period of time. Half the things that we do there is repeated over and over again throughout the time period. Check facebook, refresh, go onto tumblr, reblog, and back to facebook. It’s boring but something keeps us on it for so long. Kids are being so inactive now days that it has became alarming. Statistics show that the obesity rate of America is getting higher and higher because what? Because our generation sits on their butts all day in front of the computer or television. We’re losing. Not in a game or anything but we’re losing ourselves. 
“I honestly don’t know what I like.”